When your child reaches the age where they are beginning to develop an interest in intimate and romantic relationships, it can feel difficult to know how to start a conversation about it. You may have had caregivers who never spoke with you about it or had an experience of the conversation about sex and relationships being painfully awkward as an early teen yourself. While it may be daunting, bringing up the topic of romance and relationships signals to your child that you are open to discussing it with them any time in the future. By being open about your availability to discuss relationships, you are showing them that they can rely on you when they struggle with an unrequited crush, difficulties in a relationship, or when they have questions about sex. In addition, it allows you an opportunity to discuss what you feel is positive about your own relationships, and what you might change. Hearing a caregiver vocalize what they may have done differently, especially if the child has been negative consequences as a result of this relationship, can help them understand that they can create healthy relationship patterns and aren’t destined to have only the types of relationships they have witnessed.
Talking about relationships with your teen is not a one-time occurrence. It is okay to bring up the concept of dating and check in about if their friends are dating as they progress through middle school, or even earlier if you are aware of dating in their social sphere. Even if your child is not the one dating, talking with them about their friends' relationships can be a great starting point for communicating to them what is important in a relationship. We can't expect kids and teens to know what a healthy relationship looks like if we never teach them. And, they may have learned some things about relationships from friends or media, so be curious about what they have already learned. Use open-ended questions to engage them in conversation and approach them without judgement.
As your child approaches dating age, it might feel compelling to restrict their ability to date to control the circumstances. In many cases, they might end up dating anyway, and the consequence would be that caregivers lose the opportunity to provide emotional support and guidance at a formative age. Social media and internet access makes restricting dating, or restricting information to information about sex, harder than ever. Being aware that possible interactions on your child’s device is a blind spot, and taking steps to monitor and discuss the risks of internet dating with your child can help protect them from adverse experiences. If you have the ability to, restricting inappropriate content from devices in the settings app can help keep your child from seeing mature content before the age of 18. In addition, blocking websites or apps that allow chats with strangers, and having conversations about different ways that groomers might approach a child on social media can help your child to be more aware of, and less likely to interact with, harmful adults online.
Instead of restricting dating, or access to information about relationships, be prepared to share with your child what makes up a healthy relationship. This could vary by person or by culture, but often, healthy relationships share some core components.
Mutual Respect
Partners treat each other kindly, and value the other person’s feelings, boundaries, and individuality. If a relationship contains mutual respect, you will feel understood, accepted for your differences as well as similarities, and appreciated by your partner. Being respectful is treating your partner in a thoughtful way, without name-calling, blaming, or disregarding the other’s feelings, time, and values. Mutual respect is not a given in relationships, but is something to consistently work towards, and something that every individual deserves. Talking with your child about the ways in which you see healthy mutual respect in relationships could be a great framework for them to use and evaluate if they are being treated with respect, and respecting others, in their relationships.
Open Communication
Listening, and responding with respect, to partners in a relationship is key. Open communication involves being open with feelings, and sharing them with the partner, not expecting the other person to guess what they are feeling and read their mind. When communicating, partners should attempt to reduce interruptions, and practice perspective taking to understand where the other is coming from, even in moments of disagreement. This can get difficult when emotions run high, so being able to regulate emotions in difficult moments is a skill that benefits us all in disagreements. As a caregiver, you can give examples of times that you struggled with communication, and what you may have wanted to do differently. Or share examples from movies or other relationships where healthy communication is displayed.
Appropriate Boundaries
Relationships in the teenage years, and sometimes beyond, can feel all-consuming. Validating this feeling, but impressing the importance of having boundaries with partners, can set your child up for success in the long run. Unhealthy boundaries may be things like needing to text your partner back, so they do not get mad, being convinced to share social media account passwords, being expected to share all text messages, or being expected to only spend time with the partner. Guiding a conversation where you talk about what boundaries are important to you and why and getting curious about what boundaries your teen thinks are important is a wonderful way to start this conversation. Encouraging your child to think about their own safety, privacy, and desires in a relationship can help them to recognize when some boundaries are at risk of being crossed by others in the future.
Consent
Consent applies to all aspects of relationships, not just physical. A healthy relationship is one in which both partners are respectful of the other’s wishes, and do not pressure each other into doing anything they do not wish to. Speaking about the importance of consent, and ways to say no or say yes, can empower them to stand up for themselves if they ever are feeling pressured.
It can also be useful to discuss signs of dating violence, with the goal of building relationship awareness. If your child knows that certain actions may be indicative of abuse, it is more difficult for an abuser to normalize them. Here are some things to draw your teen’s attention to, which may serve as red flags in future relationships:
- Name calling and excessive criticism are forms of verbal abuse that serve to make a partner feel bad about themselves, even if there are other positive aspects of the relationship.
- Constant contact, through text, phone call, or in person, that results in anger if the partner does not respond. Instant communication is an unreasonable demand, and this often draws people away from other loved ones and forms of social support to appease their partner. If you notice that your teen is pulling away from you or other friends, this might be a sign of dating violence. In these times, it is important to convey to your teen that you are there to talk and will be understanding of their situation, without being judgmental.
- Displays of jealousy are an indicator as well. This could look like attempts to control certain relationships in the partner's life, where they go, or what they wear.
- Making statements towards a partner that make them feel guilty, or responsible for their safety. For example, threatening to hurt themselves if the partner breaks up with them, or using phrases like, “If you really loved me.” These statements serve to make the other partner feel as if they owe them something and not follow through on actions that may serve their own best interests. Encourage your teen to tell a safe adult if they encounter threats like these.
- Any sort of physical harm, like pushing, slapping, or biting.
- Pressure to perform any acts that the teen does not want to engage in, whether it be sexual interaction, sending nude photos, or drinking or using drugs.
Dating violence can be challenging to bring up to your teen, and sometimes we may hope that not discussing it will shield them from the hard realities of the world. However, as caregivers you cannot control who your child will meet or date, but you can control the messages they receive about dating. In the same way, speaking with your child about interactions with strangers online, and the potential for danger that presents, is important too. The Boston Division of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) put out a warning about increased activity of criminal networks that target and exploit children and teens online, in pursuit of child sexual abuse material, sexual exploitation, and harm to the child or others in their lives. Many perpetrators in such cases are “grooming” children in online relationships, establishing a sense of trust and safety, before “manipulating and coercing them into engaging in escalating harmful behavior designed to shame and isolate them.” As caregivers, it is important to watch out for signs of potential online abuse, like unexpected tests or call from unknown numbers, shifts in mood, unexplained harm to siblings, signs of animal cruelty, self-harm, changes in appearance, and more that has been laid out by the FBI. It is scary to think about discussing this with a child, but educating them about the presence of this threat, and letting them know that it is okay to say no to everyone, even if it is someone they trust, is important. In addition, letting your child know that they can tell you anything of this nature, and you will not get upset or angry with them, will make it more likely that they come forward sooner if they are being targeted.
As influential people in your child’s life, opening and maintaining a line of communication around dating, sexual activity, and online communications will allow them to come to you in moments that they need your support or assistance.