Experiencing death and loss of a loved one is a natural and unavoidable part of living, and no matter how old you get, dealing with feelings of grief can be confusing and overwhelming. Caring for a child or teen in the wake of a loss can feel challenging. It’s difficult to know what to do, or what to say, to help them understand and process the death of a loved one. Grief often comes with many different emotions, thoughts, and feelings, and for children who experience their first loss, it can disrupt their view of the world and what it means to live. While everyone’s experience with grief is different, there are some concepts of developmental understanding that may help you frame your conversations and expectations of your child or teen in the aftermath of a loss. These stages are not fixed, and it is possible for younger children to struggle with more complex concepts, and for older teens to find difficulty understanding concepts that are more common for younger age ranges. Having open lines of communication and checking in with your child or teen to gauge their understanding of death and grief is the best way to understand what your child may need from you.
Understanding death, grief, and loss at ages 2 to 4
Common Understanding and Reponses
Children in this age range are not equipped with the vocabulary or communication skills to communicate distress verbally, so expression of feelings will often be displayed through behavior and play. A child in this age range likely doesn’t grasp the idea that death is permanent and will happen to everyone at some point. After a loss, they may begin to wonder about the universality of death, asking if they might die, if their caregivers might die, and what will happen to them if they do. They also may struggle with understanding that death cannot be reversed and might expect the person they lost to come back in some way. Some common behaviors that may indicate a child this young is experiencing grief could be: crying, sleep challenges, general experiences of anxiety, increase in clinginess, irritability and increased temper tantrums, re-telling the story of their loss to people they encounter, and repetitive questions about death.
How to Help
Following a loss, children in this age range can benefit from consistent and stable routines that reassure the child of daily predictability and safety. A loss can disrupt a sense of stability for a young child, so caregivers should aim to show children through routines that life continues on in a safe and consistent way even after an unexpected event. For young children, it is also important to communicate clearly and honestly about what happened. It can feel intimidating to use the words “dead”, “died”, or “dying”, when speaking to a small child, but using the appropriate language is useful for teaching them the meaning of the word and experience they are witnessing. Using direct language is preferred over using sayings like, “passed on”, “lost”, “gone”, or “went to sleep forever”, because these phrases are not specific enough. Using vague language may lead the child to fear things unrelated to death, like getting lost or going to sleep.
Understanding death, grief, and loss at ages 5 to 8
Common Understanding and Responses
Kids in this age range still may wonder if death is reversible, and ask questions about the nature of dying. It also becomes more common for children to blame themselves for the death of a loved one, especially if they experienced some sort of conflict with the deceased. For example, if they were mad at someone and thought to themselves, “I wish they would die”, and then the person did die, they might directly connect these events. After a loss, kids in this age range may experience disruption in sleep or eating habits, have more worries about safety and abandonment, nightmares, may need help with tasks they’ve already learned, and experience behavior changes between low and high energy levels, and somatic symptoms like stomachaches and headaches. It’s also important to note that children in this age range might fluctuate between having strong reactions to the loss and acting like nothing has changed, often in an unpredictable manner.
How to Help
Children in this age range can benefit from all of the same things as kids in the 2-4 years old age range. In addition, caregivers might want to prepare to answer more in depth questions about death and dying, which you can use cultural or religious beliefs to inform. Speaking to the child directly about what the steps are you are taking following the death of a loved one can help them understand funeral or memorial practices that you undertake. At the same time, provide some opportunities for children to release their energy and engage in play, and practice empathy in understanding that your child may not grieve in the same way as you or feel the grief as consistently as you do.
Understanding death, grief, and loss at ages 9 to 12
Common Understanding and Responses
In this age range, children still primarily think about life in a concrete way, but they are beginning to understand abstract concepts, including death and grief. It is likely that children will grasp the understanding that death is not reversible, and will likely think about how the death of their loved one will impact them in the future. Children at this age may still engage in self-blame, and they might focus on the details of how the person died. When an unpredictable and scary event occurs in a child’s life, finding ways to feel a sort of control, like blaming themselves or getting all the details, can help them feel better in the sort-term, even if it isn’t helpful in the long-term. They might also express their big feelings though behaviors, like acting-out, because the words can be hard to find. In addition, they may display an increase in worry thoughts about the safety of themselves and others, perhaps worrying that something bad will happen again. Children may also experience difficulty focusing, nightmares, somatic symptoms, social withdrawal, and a wide range of changing emotions.
How to Help
The previously mentioned advice is applicable for this age range as well. In addition, if a child is expressing self-blame, take care to reassure them that their thoughts or actions are not the cause of the individual’s death. While it can be scary for children to release a feeling of control, it is important for them to understand that in most cases, the death of a loved one is outside of our capacity to change. The experience of grief can be confusing for a child, as they could experience many emotions including anger, sadness, worry, guilt, and relief. Creating space to listen to your child’s thoughts and feelings following a death can provide opportunities for you to validate their emotions, and normalize that grief comes with varied feelings for everyone else too. Modeling talking about your feelings and finding ways to healthily cope with them, like expressing feelings through art or writing, or finding social support, can help your child identify ways to help themselves too.
Understanding death, grief, and loss at ages 13 to 18
Common Understanding and Responses
Teenagers are at the developmental stage where we would expect them to be able to understand abstract concepts like life and death. Even so, a teenager’s first experience with death and grief may still come with some doubts or thoughts of denial or self-blame. As a result of a teenager’s greater understanding of the concept of death, their questions may also have more to do with the the purpose of life, and the meaning of death. When a teenager experiences the loss of a loved one, some common responses include: withdrawal from family and replaced focus on connecting with peers, increased risk-taking like drinking or unsafe driving, difficulty concentrating, difficulty sleeping or consistent low energy, changes in appetite, discomfort discussing death, unpredictable emotional and mood patterns, worries about death happening again in their lives, and thoughts of suicide or self harm.
How to Help
While teenagers may have a greater understanding of death and dying, it comes with weight. Even though they are familiar with the concept, the experience of grief can still be jarring. Teens may be less likely to openly share that they are struggling, so caregivers can provide support by reassuring the teenage about their safety and security, even if the teen doesn’t outwardly express concern. It can be helpful to provide them with choices whenever possible throughout the process. Giving teenagers a role in deciding how they want to honor or remember the person that died can give some control and agency to them in the grieving process. Since teenagers may not be as likely to open up to family members, take care to connect them with social supports like teachers, coaches, or trusted family friends to maximize their opportunities for getting support. Modeling ways to cope with grief yourself can signal to your teens how to manage through a loss, even if they are unwilling to ask for advice. If your teen does choose to share, try to listen to them non-judgmentally, reassuring them when appropriate, but not trying to change or take away their feelings. Being heard and validated is enough, even if their feelings of grief don’t completely match up to your own. In the same vein, ask them open-ended questions about their experience to avoid assuming that you are sharing the same thoughts or feelings. If you have any concerns about the teen’s safety, consult with a mental health professional to get support.
The Grief Process
The experience of grief does not have a distinct timeline or form that we can expect every child, teen, or adult to experience. Throughout our lives, everyone will experience grief to different degrees. Symptoms of grief are normal following the death of a loved one, and are not cause for concern all by themselves. Normalizing the experience of grief is important for kids and teens, because we want them to know that there is nothing wrong with them. Suffering after the death of a loved one is human, and that is okay. If your child or teen is experiencing symptoms of grief to a degree that is impacting their functioning at home, at school, and socially, for a long period of time, you may consider consulting with a mental health professional to get guidance on whether or not additional intervention is necessary.