The beginning and end of the day are commonly stressful times in the daily life of a family with children or teenagers. In the morning, caregivers often feel the pressure to get ready and arrive at work on time, get their children ready and to school or on the bus on time, feed everyone, ensure that hygiene is taken care of, and that homework makes it to school, among many other logistical demands. At the same time, children may forget the steps they need to take to make sure their responsibilities are taken care of, might struggle to wake up, or may dilly-dally without a full understanding of the time constraints they are operating under.
At night, everyone may be tired from a full day of work, school, and extracurricular activities, and with limited resources, stress and breakdowns in routine can happen. For instance, when tired or hungry, children often push back on bedtime or hygiene responsibilities in favor of screentime, playing with toys, or homework, or clinginess and looking for parental attention anyway they can. In families with children of different ages, meeting the needs of each child in a routine can feel like a monumental task. Children with neurodevelopmental, emotional, or behavioral difficulties may introduce another layer of challenges to these moments in the day.
Kids with ADHD or behavioral difficulties may struggle to follow instructions, focus on the tasks at hand, or manage emotional responses to engaging with non-preferred tasks. Children with anxiety or depression might have a harder time falling asleep or waking up in the morning, which can naturally introduce some irritability. For these kids, a structured routine and consistency are important for providing support and predictability. There is no surefire way to eliminate challenges and conflict from the morning and nighttime routines for all children, regardless of mental health diagnoses. However, there are skills, strategies, and tools that caregivers can apply in creating and maintaining routines to make the morning run smoother and reduce conflict.
So, routines are important, but where do you begin? Importantly, routines do not have to span a whole day, unstructured time is important for children’s development and sense of independence, but structured time can be useful when there are goals and deadlines to meet. When creating a routine, it can be useful to identify anchor points, like wake-up times, school bus arrival times, bedtimes, that can help naturally structure the time period that the routine will span over. These times, like wake-up, bus, and bedtime, may be consistent across each day, especially during the school year. You can select the wake-up and bedtimes based on your own needs as the caregiver, and sleep needs for the child. It is important that the time frame works for you and your kids!
Once you have identified your anchor times, you will have a sense of how much time you and your child have to complete a routine. While it may be tempting to make the routine comprehensive and complex, to achieve everything possible that might make your life smoother, simplicity is key. To make a routine effective, it needs to be simple and direct. Make a list of the absolute necessities that need to be completed by each child before they go to school in the morning or get into bed, like showering, brushing teeth, laying out clothes, packing backpacks, and eating food. Starting with these basics is a good way to ensure that the routine does not feel overwhelming or unrealistic from the start. It may be tempting to include things like making the bed, taking out the trash, or doing the dishes, but kids can still have a successful day at school if those tasks do not get done. This is not to say they can never be included. If your child can complete a simpler routine, that creates an opportunity to give them more responsibility and build in rewards for completing extra chores. Once you have identified the simplest and most necessary steps for each child to take in their routine, take a moment to prioritize them in the order that they need to be completed. This can guide the flow of the routine. For example, is it important to you if your child brushes their teeth before or after breakfast?
Now that you have identified the anchor times, and the steps for your routine, think about where they will take place within the home. Some places will be overwhelmingly obvious, like the fact that showering and brushing teeth will happen in the bathroom, and all items will already be ready for them there. The idea is to make other steps as clear as possible. For example, if a step in the routine is to pack their backpack, create a specific spot in the house where backpacks and all school related items are kept. This can be reinforced both in the nighttime routine, when they place it there, and in the morning routine, when they pack up final items and get ready to go. Similarly, pick a spot for kids to lay out their clothes the night before, so they know exactly what they are grabbing, and from where, in the morning.
If you have more than one child, compare the routines, and look for any overlap or conflicts in the tasks they may need to be completing at different times. Perhaps mealtimes can be shared, but bathing and hygiene need to be taken care of separately. For example, if your younger child needs more support showering, the older child may be able to select clothes and place their backpack in the spot while you are taking care of the younger child, and then they can switch. Once the younger child is in bed, you can direct your attention more towards the older child and get an opportunity to have a one-on-one check in with them!
While your child’s needs are important when making a routine and schedule for the typical day, your own needs should be considered too. Is it easier for you to make school lunches the night before or in the morning before they wake up? Are there breakfast foods that are quick and easy for the children to manage more themselves? Do you want some time alone before they wake up? Asking these questions can help you identify anchor times and routine steps that work to keep your child’s life structured but make your own experience of the day easier.
Routines function only when they are followed consistently, even on the weekends. It can be tempting to let kids go to bed later on weekend nights for the sake of family fun, or to adjust the routine to add some helpful flexibility. However, when at all possible, it’s important to keep the schedules consistent for your kids because it helps to improve behaviors and keep expectations consistent.
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