Changes in the family structure, like divorce and separation, can be destabilizing for all members of the family unit. Going through a divorce or separation is stressful for adults and is even further complicated when there are children in the picture. It's hard to know how best to communicate the changes coming for your daily life and relationships within the family when approaching a divorce, and the reality is that children and teens are likely to find this information upsetting regardless of how it is delivered. But living in a home with conflict is also upsetting. The way that the information is shared can make all the difference.
Kids are often very intuitive and might sense that there is something “off” at home without being told. It can be tempting to hide any big decisions about divorce or separation from kids to delay upsetting them. But, if you are confident about the separation moving forward, it is best practice to tell them earlier and give them time to adjust to the information without wondering what is wrong.
Parents can divorce or separate for a wide variety of reasons, and your comfort level with your ex-partner and their relationship with the children will come into play when deciding how to have these big conversations. If your ex-partner does have a consistent relationship with the children, and it is safe for them to be involved, having a conversation as a full family unit can help your child feel supported and understand the whole picture. If parents cannot be in the room together, the conversation with the kids might have to happen separately, but the message should remain the same.
Separation can bring about a lot of confusion for kids, so agreeing with your partner in advance about what you are willing to share and what is appropriate for your kids’ age and level of understanding is important. Children do not need to know the nitty-gritty details of the divorce/separation, especially if it is high conflict. It is not helpful for them to know more about the conflict, and it can be harmful to have details. It is not developmentally appropriate for them to hear about the details of divorce and separation, and as a child, their role should not involve managing this information and the emotions that come with it. What matters most is centering the child and communicating clearly to them that the changes in the family unit are not their fault and that both caregivers love the child no matter what. For example, instead of blaming each other for any wrongdoing in front of the kids, you can acknowledge that sometimes adult relationships have challenges, and people can be better off as friends or being apart, if the split is not amicable.
When you approach this conversation, your children may have many questions about what is going to change for them. If you and your ex-partner can discuss how daily life will shift, and can answer these questions, your child will feel more informed which can help reduce stress and anxiety about the unknown. For example, they might want to know where they will live, which days they will get to see each parent, who is responsible for taking them to extracurricular activities, and whether or not the whole family will still spend time together. Providing this information up front can relieve them of some worrying they may do if they don’t ask. Providing any certainty that you can around routines or consistency in parenting can give some stability in unstable times.
Finally, approach the conversation expecting distress and emotional reactions from your child. As parents, you are a constant in their life like no other figures, and a change to the home environment is hard to understand, especially at a young age. Encourage them to ask questions and to share their feelings with you. It may be hard at times to hear what they have to say, but showing up for them to validate their emotions without pressuring them to be happy with the new arrangement will be supportive in the long run.