When children learn about their parents going through a divorce or separation, it is natural for them to feel upset. The thought of it can feel really overwhelming especially since children often have little to no control over how the changes will affect their lives. Being aware that your child may exhibit a range of common responses to divorce or separation is the first step to keeping an eye on them and supporting them through the process.
Some kids, especially younger ones, may experience thoughts and feelings of guilt, wondering if something they did caused the separation or if it is their fault. This is a common reaction, especially when children have been involved in or witnessed conflict between caregivers. Young children often have not developed the ability to take others’ perspectives, and it makes most sense to them that the decision must be related to them in some way. This is why it is important for parents to explicitly communicate that the child did nothing wrong and that the separation is not their fault. Some kids may also experience heightened levels of anxiety, often connected to changes in routine. When structure changes, it can bring a lot of uncertainty to a child’s life and a feeling of loss of control. As a parent, making an effort to create and maintain a routine within the new structure will help your child adjust to new expectations. On a day-to-day basis, clearly communicating what their day will look like (e.g., where they will sleep, who is picking them up from school, etc.) can reduce feelings of anxiety. Visual aids, like a calendar, can be helpful for children so they can consult it when questions arise and can reassure themselves that they know what to expect without needing to speak to an adult. Whenever you can, giving your child choices can help them feel like they have agency in creating their new life. For example, if you and your ex-partner are splitting up extra-curricular duties and are flexible in who takes care of what, you might ask your child if they want a specific parent to attend the soccer game on Sunday or pick them up from school. Even if it is not possible to give them a say in larger decisions, finding small ways to allow them to control aspects of their new life can contribute to stability. For example, they may pick the paint for the walls in their new bedroom.
Children may also display more behavioral issues, which could be an outward sign of anxiety and distress, or a testing of the new limits to see what disciplinary structure remains amongst all the changes. Many parents find it difficult to hold limits with kids when they are experiencing a period of high stress, but being flexible on behavioral expectations and fair discipline practices can actually make the environment feel less safe and predictable. Maintaining the behavioral expectations that you had for your child before the separation, and if possible, keeping expectations and disciplinary structure the same across home environments, can help reinforce the stability and safety a child feels at home. With this reinforcement, there are likely to be fewer behavioral issues.
Children may also display changes in how they interact with you as a caregiver, with some kids becoming more attached and seeking more attention, and with other kids withdrawing. Both reactions are normal, and your role as a parent is to be consistent in your response. After a divorce or separation, it is key to make time to spend with your child one-on-one where you can focus on building and maintaining a positive bond. This could look like planning special outings or spending time together or sharing in an activity at home. Your child may or may not take you up on it but share with them that you are available to talk about their emotions and experiences throughout the separation/divorce and beyond. Making this space clear will increase the chances that they share with you any challenges they are facing or ask for the support they need. It can also help you stay aware of if their emotional responses are starting to cause difficulty at home, at school, or with friends, which may warrant speaking with a mental health professional.
Kids may also struggle with concentrating at school or in extracurricular activities. Life at home may feel chaotic, but school routines likely remain the same. However, it is hard to focus on math or history when you are worried about your parents and how your life might change because of divorce or separation. Communicating with your child’s school and teachers about the changes in home life can clue them in to keep an eye on your child when you can’t. They may be the first to notice if behavior is changing or academic performance drops, and with the context provided, they will be better able to help your child succeed and adjust.
Separation and divorce are often riddled with conflict, and emotions can run high for all parties involved. Managing emotions as a caregiver during these times can be very trying, and to support your kids, you need to support yourself too. If you find yourself introducing or exposing your kids to the higher conflict aspects of the separation, it might be a sign that you could benefit from learning ways to manage your own emotional reactions and processing your experience with a professional. Beyond professional help, members of your community can be great resources. Neighbors, friends, and family members often want to help, but don’t know how to. Asking them for what you need, or identifying safe adults that your child can talk to about the divorce/separation, can be a great way to manage the demands of the community and rely on those who care for you and your child.
While going through a divorce or separation in the family can be challenging for kids to navigate, it is healthier to experience this than to continue to live in conflict. Children learn from watching caregivers, and if you can model being calm in the face of high emotions and using coping skills, your child will likely be able to learn and practice the same skills alongside you. If you notice that your child is struggling noticeably with friends, family members, or in school, for a long period of time following the separation, it may be helpful to consult with a mental health professional to see if there are any interventions that might be useful to help them adjust.
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