When a young adult goes to college, it is a period of significant change and transition for the whole family. While this time in life is often spoken about as exciting, which it very well may be, it can also be quite stressful for the family unit. Students are expected to function with greater independence, to handle greater academic expectations, navigate new social environments, and navigate their own responsibilities without as much parental oversight. Parents are also adjusting to big changes. Some parents may have more time on their hands, and some might feel more disconnected from their child and the events of their day-to-day. Whether your child is boarding at school, or commuting from home, the reality is that as college students, they will be expected to handle challenges more independently, and schools are less likely to involve parents. Even so, many parents feel a responsibility to make sure that their child is taking advantage of all that college has to offer and can manage the new demands well.
It is normal to worry about your child when they begin college, and to some degree, we can expect that each young adult entering college will experience some difficulty. Feeling homesick, being uncertain about their college life, and making mistakes along the way are normal parts of developing independence. Even when all is going well, positive life change can still create stress, just because there are so many new routines, expectations, and roles to adjust to.
When you see your child struggling, it is normal to want to jump in and rescue them, to provide a solution. It makes sense to want to protect your child from pain and discomfort. When your child is feeling homesick, it might be tempting to solve that problem by allowing them to come home every weekend. When they are struggling in a class, you might feel the urge to email the teacher and help them with their essay.
At the same time, parents want to teach their young adults that they can handle obstacles themselves. If adults jump in and remove every obstacle, we are unintentionally teaching them that they cannot handle it alone. Therefore, college is a time when parents need to support their young adults without rescuing them. It might feel incredibly challenging to encourage your child to problem solve and work through difficult moments without asserting your own solution, but this process is crucial to developing confidence in their own independence.
So, HOW do you do this?
You can start by normalizing that young adults often face unique challenges during this transition time and letting them know that you will be there to support them when things get hard, without judgment. This will enhance the chances that they will come to you when they are struggling.
When they come to you with a problem, focus your energy on listening to them. They’re spending a lot of time in a new environent, with new people, and they may need the space to talk through their thoughts and feelings without being given solutions right away.
While responding, provide validation for what feels hard about the situation for them. Validation means to acknowledge and accept another person’s thoughts, feelings, or experiences as real and understandable, even if you do not agree with them. For example, if they are feeling really stressed out about an assignment due the next day, even if you think the assignment would be easy, you can validate that it makes sense they would be stressed about doing their first assignment for a college level class.
Next, you can help them brainstorm how to address their problem. Start off by asking them what they have already tried, and what steps they might want to take next. Giving them a chance to contribute to problem-solving can increase feelings of independence. It also allows you an opportunity to support decisions and efforts to resolve the problem that you agree with, building confidence. You can still provide some of your own ideas and give your perspective but aim to collaboratively evaluate if your ideas meet their needs well.
Finally, work together to identify resources that may be useful for them, and let them take the next step. Encourage your child to be the one to reach out to the writing center, to make an appointment at the counseling service, or to plan a meeting with a professor. You can help plan out with them how they might do it, but supporting them in advocating for themselves in crucial to building the belief in them that they are capable of managing difficulties alone.
For around 18 years, your relationship with your child may have revolved around scheduling their activities, monitoring their behavior and performance, problem-solving and making big decisions for them, advocating for their needs, and setting and enforcing rules. Once your child reaches college, these actions may be needed at times, but largely your child will need you differently. They need to learn that they can be the manager of their own life, and that you will support them in doing so. The key to your role now is helping your child develop their trust and confidence in their own ability to make decisions, solve problems, and seek help.
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